Coming Home by Strom Reyes

AmethystCOMING HOMEAfter years of waiting and counting down, it is almost time for thegates on the Iron House to open and your loved one to step through andcome home. Your greatest dream and your worse nightmare are about tobe realized...yes, it is your loved one and no, you don't know thisperson anymore. Is there hope that all can be healed and your lovedone becomes once again the person you knew and loved? The answer is aresounding yes, but it will take honesty, patience and work by all.The experts say that it only takes 18 months for a person to beinstitutionalized. After 20+ years working with First Nations personslocked up in Iron Houses, I would say that the experts are beingoptimistic and that any amount of time locked up leaves wounds thatmust be healed and behaviors unlearned. You must understand the natureof the enemy - the Iron House - in order to understand the damage doneto your loved one. The prison system, regardless of where located,systematically, intentionally and scientifically makes every effort todehumanize a person in order to better control and "manage" the prisonpopulation.Immediately upon entering the prison system, activities are undertakento strip away a person's identity, decision-making capabilities, andself-esteem. Their names are taken away to be replaced with a number.Their sense of "Who I Am" is replaced with "What I Am." Allopportunities to make a choice are removed. They are consistently toldand retold what little worth they have to humanity. They are punishedfor showing any emotion, questioning any decision, or stepping outsideof the accepted standard. Complete and utter compliance and conformityare demanded. Individualism is punished swiftly and severely. And itnever changes. Colors are bland, meals are bland, activities arebland, and days and night fold into each other. Time slows and stops,as does growth and life for the inmate.In order to survive such an environment, your loved must have beenflexible enough to adapt and once adapted, it has become his/her life.It is life, alien and warped, but it is their life. And now comes thetime for the inmate to come home, a world that has now become alienand unfamiliar and more importantly, terrifying. This is a time thatwill require more strength from the inmate than going into prison. Butthis time your loved one is not alone, you are there to help the healingprocess and to encourage the growth. Your loved one has been deeplywounded, but can heal. Yes, there will always be scars, but one canlive with scars as only distant reminders of bad times. So here are afew things to be aware of and several things you can do. You and yourloved one are no longer helpless. Take your power back and use it!TIPS AND HINTS:First, recognize that he is coming from a place where he has had to beconstantly alert and attentive, a place that is never quiet, a placehe is never alone in peace, and that quiet is foreign to him. He willneed periods of quiet time in short intervals. And he will not becomfortable with loud noises that he is not accustomed to, such as thebabble of party noises, street noises and the like. He will beuncomfortable around a variety of colors, genders, children andanimals. He will at first be uncomfortable moving from room to room,and will tend to stay in one room until it has become familiar. Hewill be uncomfortable going out the door ahead of anyone else. Hiseyes will always be shifting around and his heading turning, and hewill probably wish to sit with his back to a wall. These areinstinctual things he has learned and he won't even be conscious ofit. The best cure issimply time, to replace his instincts with new ones and to help him beaware of his actions, without trying to correct the actions. Payattention to his comfort level and help make his new environmentcomfortable, introducing new things slowly.The worse damage done to your loved one is his ability to makedecisions or choices was taken away. It has to be relearned. Weunconsciously make hundreds of decisions a day. Your loved one is notallowed any and has forgotten how to make them. He was not evenallowed to choose whathe would wear for the day, or if had the choice, it was extremelylimited. Do not overwhelm him with choice.The key to helping is staying supportive, but not smothering. He hasto learn to make decisions and to choose in order to survive and growin the new world, but he doesn't have to learn it overnight. Think interms of small and slow steps. Let him set the pace, and be there forhim if he demands too much of himself. He will want it all...thesensations he lost, the colors he lost, the sounds, the feels, themusic. He can have it all, but in smaller doses. Wide-open spaces willscare him at first. Start with just watching a sunset to draw hisattention up and out. A short walk in the neighborhood or light picnicin his own backyard. When you see he is comfortable, then expand tosomething a bit larger, a bit longer.Don't ask him what he wants you to cook for dinner. Ask him if there'sanything in particular that he would like, that he's been craving.Don't be surprised if some of his old favorites have changed and he nolonger likes macaroni and cheese or turkey or meat loaf or pancakes.Those are prison staples and he is sick of them, even if your"home-cooked" was special. Again, give him small choices to make...doyou want corn or green beans?He will want to do those things that have been denied him all thoseyears, social functions, entertainment, etc. Help him to realize thedream, but be cautious in how you do it. Do not take him to a moviethe first weeks home. Dark, enclosed places, where he is surrounded bypeople will cause those flight/fight instincts to kick in. Rent avideo instead. Do not take him to car races...try watching it on TVfirst to let him get accustomed to the noise. Do not take him to arestaurantfor a full meal...start by going into a smaller, comfortable, familiarplace and order just dessert or a beverage. Menus are reallyintimidating and ordering dinner is overwhelming. ..soup or salad, whatkind of soup or what dressing on the salad, what kind ofpotato..mashed, baked, fried or rice, rolls or toast, what to drinkwith dinner.Don't ever come up behind him quietly and put your arms around him fora quick hug, or tap on his shoulder. The flight/fight instinct willimmediately kick in.Make a little noise before entering a room he's in or call out to him.Encourage him to come into another room by inviting him in with you.Do not take him shopping unless he asks to go. Under no circumstances,take him into a shopping mall the first few weeks home. Start out withsmall convenience stores or grocery stores. Don't ask him what hewants, ask him what brand of something he was using or liked. If youput him in front of a two dozen brands of toothpaste, he'll freeze.Watch him closely at shopping expeditions. If he begins to sweat orstarts looking around more and more, pull him out of the store...he's onoverload.Encourage his participation in household decisions by asking hisopinion, but do not pressure him to make the decision. I know that youhave longed to have the burden shared and it can be, but first he mustlearn to trust his decision-making skills and feel comfortable withairing his opinion. It's been a long time since he was asked and along time since he was trusted.Prepare for him coming home by having a new wardrobe ready for him,preferably colors he wasn't allowed to wear. But keep the wardrobesmall, six or seven shirts at most. He won't be able to decide what towear if he is overwhelmed with too much choice. Help him with thechoice by mentioning that you particularly like a shirt or that helooks good in jeans, or you will be going someplace that tennis shoesmight be comfortable. Don't tell him what to wear, but give hints orencouragement that will help.Even though out of prison, there is still a long string tying him toprison...fines owed, parole officers to check in with, boxes on formsthat ask if he ever committed a felony. The reality is that he isforever marked by being a prisoner and both you and he must acceptthat reality. Reduce the stress levels of the string by reducing thesituation to an annoyance rather than an obstacle. Acknowledge that itis annoying, but then so is paying taxes, getting a driver's license,showing ID to cash a check. Reinforce the idea that it is simply atask to be done and has little importance in day-to-day life.Help your loved one to redefine himself. He has lost "Who I Am," andmust now start over and this time carrying a backpack full of shame,guilt, pain, anger and confusion. Don't remind him of who or what heused to be, but encourage him to look for what he wants to be. Let himknow there are no limits to what he can be.Expect periods of silence from him when he has nothing to say. Expectperiods when he won't shut up and you want to scream because you aretired of the prison stories. Expect evasions and direct lies becausethey have become a necessary part of his living system. Expect andunderstand where these things are coming from, but do not change yourlife to accommodate these things. When he is silent, respect hissilence but do not retreat into it also. When he won't stop talkingabout prison, understand he is feeling particularly lost and redirecthis thoughts to here and now. Call him on the lies and let him knowthere is no reason to lie. Remember, however, that he is used toinstant and harsh punishment and will expect the same from you.Human touch was one of the first things taken away from him. His onlyexperience with human touch during his imprisonment has been in anegative way or fleeting moments during visits. He will crave touchand be repelled by it at the same time. Watch for his comfort leveland adjust to it and help him to expand. Never touch him when he isunaware of your presence. Do not sacrifice yourself and your needs toaccommodate him. It will only add to the burden of guilt he isfeeling. Let him know that even though the transition is home istough, you are working on it together, and that you expect him to be apartner in the work. Guide, do not nag. Make opportunities for him tobe a partner, and then sit back and allow him to do it...even if youwant to take it out of his hands and doit yourself.Be honest, be patient, be loving and most importantly, be human. Donot try to be perfect, do not try to be strong all the time. He needsto be needed. He needs to give love as well as receive it. He needs toknow he is of value to you and the creation. He needs to relearn prideand faith. He needs to be judged on his actions now and the pastbecome a whisper of memory.Help him to find his spirituality. Help him to see the world beyondhimself and his place in the world through his spirituality.Be the living example by which he can learn. Show compassion, honor,trust, respect and fairness. These are qualities that he has not seenfor a very long time and they cannot be described in words. By yourexample, show him the way home.Final Thoughts:Each situation, each human is different. But there is one truth forall. Your loved one has been wounded by the horror of being locked up.What must take place is a healing, not just for him but for you also.It will happen. It takes time, love and absolute faith, but it doeshappen. I urge you to be aware of what he has been through and wherehe has been, but not to allow your home to become a prison also. Helphim to clean the prison out of him and replace that empty void withhome. Do not allow the prison to run your lives any longer by lettinghim and yourself stay imprisoned within your heart and minds. In orderto be free, you both must feel free. Remind yourselves constantly thatyou are free!I speak from the voice of experience. Not only have I supported FirstNation Iron House Spiritual Circles, but I married a prisoner. Afterseven years in prison (six of which we shared together), my husbandhas home home. On December 25, 1998, we celebrated ten months of freedom.During our celebration, we talked about the insanity of the first fewmonths home, we talked of the love that had grown and strengthenedthrough the years and the most exciting part was that we talked aboutthe mundane, routine parts of life and made plans for thefuture....building a new fence next year, getting a puppy as acompanion for our grown dog, rebuilding our lodge and renewing ourwedding vows next Spring.All that I had hoped for and wished for has come to be. My husband istruly home and we are stronger and more united for the experience. Wetruly value love, companionship, partnership and each other. We do nottake for granted the small precious moments of life. The healing iswell underway for us both. Keep your faith and your hope....it will bea good day, and a good life.